Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Turned in my Resignation Letter yesterday

Dear lady in the next office,

With mixed emotions ranging from ecstatic jubilation to horrendous tear-filled agony, I submit to you my resignation from XXXXXXXX National Bank, effective my last day working alongside your glorious presence being March 31, 2012.

At many times during my tenure in the oak-trimmed office, I felt I was finally in the place I could call my forever home. Admittedly, the hours and stress had their effects on my pursuit of a professional Pictionary career, but in hindsight it was worth it. Taking care of the clients and customers I saw on a daily basis became as second nature to me as the stick figures I found so easy to draw on paper.

I do have to admit I have serious concerns about your mental health after my exit. In anticipation of the impending medical bills surely to be charged against your medical plan for Psychoanal (separation anxiety) and Takotsubo (broken heart disease), I’ve taken up a collection to help pay for the nerve pills. Why? Because I care.

One more note of importance: there are many things that I, and only I, have been performing around the office during my tenure. Things like unscrewing every light bulb before I leave every night and screwing them all back in before anyone shows up, all while wearing a skin-tight ninja suit so as not to trip the motion alarms; that job will now fall to you. Add to that the printing of new dollar bills, fluffing up the lumbar support in each office chair, and taste-testing all the expired food in the refrigerator to see if it really is expired… those will now be your tasks. To help you with these and any other tasks, I’ve left random notes around the office to assist in the transition; some with hand painted cartoon illustrations. No need to thank me; I did it out of love.

With all that said, I thank you for the time and attention you gave to my personal development. I can now do a triple somersault, tear apart and rebuild a big-block engine, and say I know the intricate differences between the sub-species of African Hibiscus Engleri flower. Those are invaluable tools I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. So for everything, I thank you and bid you goodnight.


P.S. I was going to include some money with this letter to buy lunch for the branch, but I’d already sealed the envelope.


Anonymous Rob said...

Truly brilliant.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

Nice. Very nice!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

you told me you COULDNT do a triple somersault. This s why the word TRUST is not used to describe our relationship.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Kimmy said...

This is great.

11:54 PM  
Blogger dave said...

love it sam.

9:24 AM  

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