19 days residual

I'm listening to the newest Manchester Orchestra album and the song, Deer is playing right now. It starts with the words, Half a year and here you are again..... Half a year again and now it's a whole..... I bought and listened to that CD exactly one year from the day Ell announced she was leaving me. By then I was over the utter pain and depression I had lived under the weight of for so many months, but that song was still deeply penetrating to my soul and heart. Now it's been two and a half years since that fateful day, and that specific song still stirs up a certain amount of reflection. I am so far from being sad or remorseful or from missing her at all, and I am so very happy with where my life has travelled, but hearing it this morning was strangely coincidental to a string of similar events that happened over the past few days.

Less than twenty four hours after she walked out, I started writing about the day-to-day roller coaster of my feelings and did so for about six months. In the midst of those months, I had a slew of people tell me I needed to write a book about what I was going through and possibly make it a book directed at men going through divorce. I saw a stark lacking of books on that specific subject and seriously considered it for awhile. But then I experienced an intense (albeit caraaaaazy) relationship with a tiny little blond named Tabetha, then a few other short flings, and then found the absolute love of my life in Alli, and my emotional state swung sharply from defeat into pure happiness. Writing about sadness and fear and insecurity and loss was so far from where I was that the idea of that book slid to the background of my brain.

Earlier this week a dating couple in their sixties came into my office. The lady opened herself a checking account to accept direct deposit from her new job. After she left, the man hung back and after some discussion, opened an account for himself. As we went through the opening process and I asked the probing questions that make me good at what I do, he revealed to me that he was the victim of infidelity on his spouse's part which left him divorced after forty years of marriage. He was an English Professor at a local college, and then went on to ask me if I had ever written anything. Proud as I am of my book, I shared with him my publishing journey and the plans for my next book. Then out of the blue, he offered to collaborate with me on a book about divorce from the man's point-of-view. I came home from work and shared the story with Alli, who (a little shocking to me) was energetic about the idea and suggested I take this man up on his offer.

Last night as Alli and I were watching football, an advertisement came across the TV for a website/forum directed at men to help them understand and deal with emotions and other aspects of life in general. A little while later, there was ad for an attorney who specializes in divorce on the man's side called, Divorce for Dads.

And then on shuffle, this song comes up on my iPod this morning.

All the signs point to, write the damn book already, right?! I just don't know.

On the one hand, I fully and personally understand the lack of resources for men dealing with divorce. I really think a book like that needs to get out there because there are so many difficult emotions and circumstances that accompany divorce and no one gives men credit or compassion for what they're going through. On the other hand, writing a book like that will drag me back into where the events of those couple years found me and I'm just not sure I want to go there again. I'm not even sure I could get myself back to that place which is definitely necessary to make the writing true and relevant. I am so happy right now, I'm not sure I could even convey how sad I was then. I'm not sure it would come through in written word.

So many signs in such a short amount of time does make one wonder.