Guilt, Sadness, Wondering - Day Eight
I just got done watching Billy Graham's special. Wow. What a great man of God. As the hour long show ended, I found myself crying. I couldn't exactly explain why, but I know something in this man's words and heart was working on me.
The main feeling I was having, was one of guilt. There was no one specific thing, just this overriding feeling that I am often --maybe even always-- somehow skirting the lines in life. Some inner analysis drew me to the realization that growing up in the home and church that I grew up in, has left me with a continuous sense of always looking over my shoulder, like what I'm doing is wrong. I had great parents and I'm so very thankful for the Christian structure I had as a child and teen, but looking back now I see that it was overbearing and heavy. There's no blame there, simply an inner peace that I don't need to be bound by that anymore. I don't have to be guilty about everything, all my actions are not sneaky or misleading or sly just because they aren't how I was brought up. I really do have the option and opportunity to be my own person.
The tears were also of sadness that I'd missed out on a lot by always trying to live up to those irrational standards I just discussed. In that moment, as I listened to Rev. Graham pray, I let go of those things and made a silent pact with God that I would now enjoy the things that He had given me, things I have subconsciously felt guilt about. Smoking, sex, my job, lifestyle decisions, and more.
I know this is a weird post, and I apologize for its randomness..... but that man's prayer and the song that ended the TV special, left me wondering where my life would be if I simply let myself love God and let that love override feelings of improperly placed guilt and sadness. I don't have any reason at all to feel bad about my life, God gave me this life and all that is in it and it's about time I start appreciating that.
The main feeling I was having, was one of guilt. There was no one specific thing, just this overriding feeling that I am often --maybe even always-- somehow skirting the lines in life. Some inner analysis drew me to the realization that growing up in the home and church that I grew up in, has left me with a continuous sense of always looking over my shoulder, like what I'm doing is wrong. I had great parents and I'm so very thankful for the Christian structure I had as a child and teen, but looking back now I see that it was overbearing and heavy. There's no blame there, simply an inner peace that I don't need to be bound by that anymore. I don't have to be guilty about everything, all my actions are not sneaky or misleading or sly just because they aren't how I was brought up. I really do have the option and opportunity to be my own person.
The tears were also of sadness that I'd missed out on a lot by always trying to live up to those irrational standards I just discussed. In that moment, as I listened to Rev. Graham pray, I let go of those things and made a silent pact with God that I would now enjoy the things that He had given me, things I have subconsciously felt guilt about. Smoking, sex, my job, lifestyle decisions, and more.
I know this is a weird post, and I apologize for its randomness..... but that man's prayer and the song that ended the TV special, left me wondering where my life would be if I simply let myself love God and let that love override feelings of improperly placed guilt and sadness. I don't have any reason at all to feel bad about my life, God gave me this life and all that is in it and it's about time I start appreciating that.
posted by Sam at 9:25 PM
2 Comments:
The general theme of this has been a topic of discussion for our family recently.
I agree the guilt must go...must.
I, and not everyone agrees for sure, think the standards being set so high isn't bad though.
But i think you're saying the standards being set so high cause the guilt; presumably causing more actions that bring additional guilt.
Hmmmm....
One thing that i think we all need to accept, is not everything is a universal right or wrong.
This is a really interesting post. I need to read it again and think more when I'm more coherent and much less sleepy. ;-)
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