Friday, May 25, 2007

Dad

Weird week, emotionally. Monday was one of those days I could actually feel myself slipping into a depressed kind of mental state. Nothing severe or earth shattering happened, work was good, my drive was good, home was good, I even got to go outside and work in my garden. But I could just feel my thoughts turning angry and self-deprecating. Ell wanted to go play tennis, so I went to get myself out of my funk and it worked. It's hard to think about the world ending when you're fat and you're running around, sweating for two hours. Thanks Ell.

Tuesday, we ended the book of James in Band of Brothers. What a great group of guys. There seems to be new (or returning) faces every week, and the conversations are the best. We are truly going to miss Andrew when he leaves in a month. Wednesday evening I headed to the garden. My phone is dead and gone, so I periodically check my voicemail on Ell's phone. I did that around 9 and found out one of my best friend's dad had died suddenly that afternoon. I called him back and since getting off the phone that night it's all I've been thinking about.

My friend's dad was 55. My dad's 55. Too young. I think of Adrienne's dad. Too young. I caught a show I rarely watch last night on TV. One of the main character's dad got sick and died. I have to tell you, it was a bit much for me. He said a line that really hit home, "I don't know how to exist in a world where my Dad doesn't." That could have been me saying that.

Sometimes I hesitate to share my feelings about my Dad b/c he might see it, but I'm not sure he reads eleven anymore so I will today. I love my Dad. I rarely if ever miss anyone. It's not in my makeup. Call me insensitive if you want, it's who I am. I miss my Dad. My parents moved to Columbus two or three years ago. That really pissed me off. I was as close as ever to my Dad at that point in my life. Now he's so far away, and so hopped up on medication, it's like he's gone even though he's still alive. Some days I really lose it when I think about it. My dad is in bad stages of Diabetes. He's also permanently damaged from the combination of a major car accident and other stuff. He's in a wheelchair. If he follows the life cycle of his Mom (which he seems to be doing, but worse) my dad won't be around in 10 years. I'm not OK with that. I hate the fact that I'm at the age where my friends and I have really sick parents or dead ones. And I'm sick of people saying to get over it, that's life. No that's death. And I'm not fine with it. I have stuff I want to say to my Dad, to ask him. But he's never himself on the phone. And when I see him he's all moody and whiny. I miss my Dad.

Sorry to be in such a downer mood. I'm actually well over my depression from Monday, but I keep getting death thrown in my face all week and I just needed to vent a little.

7 Comments:

Blogger Close To Home said...

Sam, I'll be praying for you.~Amy

9:11 AM  
Blogger kimw said...

I love my Dad, too. He's the greatest man I've ever known. I love his smile, and his laugh and his warm, southern accent. He lives in Texas, and I hate that I don't see him but a couple of times a year. We used to watch all the Astros games together, and that will forever be one of the fondest memories of my life. I LOVE my daddy.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

I think that the feeling of "missing" a person that is still with you is an extremely hard emotion to deal with.

It's such a different missing than when you are simply away from a person...it's a void that you feel shouldn't be there.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Lil' Kiddz said...

Sadly, I can relate to how you feel. Though I know too many others who are facing tough situations with one of their parents, my own dad is not in the best of condition. I don't even know the degree of his health because he is not real forthcoming with that kind of info. When he had a heart attack and had to have open heart surgery, we did not even find out until he had a bunch of test down after a weeks stay in the hospital with shingles (which none of us even knew he was in the hospital). I say all of this to just let you know I understand that feeling. And I too, adore my father. Only since becoming a grown woman have we become as close as we are. The day he is no longer in my life is a day I dread. There is just something to be said about great parents. My prayers are with you, Sam.

1:23 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I've really been missing my Dad too lately. I wish that I could be with him more and share in his life more. He has always been such an important part of my entire daily makeup. There isn't a day that I don't think about him. Dads, no matter how close you are to them, are a stability that you always have no matter what. He reminds me of who I am(because I am sooooo much like him). It sucks that I can't see him that much. I love my Daddy too!!!!

9:24 PM  
Blogger lyndsay said...

I don't know if it's this or if i'm just afraid of growing up right now but i've been thinking a ton about it. In less than two months i'm never going to live in my room again, my sister and i won't have our late night talks, i won't get to see my baby brother grow up,i won't get to have a fight with my mom then crawl into her bed because i feel bad about yelling at her, and i won't get to laugh at my dad when he falls asleep on the couch every night. I could go on and on with more of my family and my friends. But i can't help but feel like,well, i wanta be a baby again!!

4:24 PM  
Blogger a.k.a. Zooomabooma said...

Hiya. Count me as one of those who will soon be without his father. He's had a valve replaced in his heart but he won't quit smoking or drinking. While he's retired in South Carolina, I've gone off to the end of the road in central Alaska, for selfish reasons... but I'm down there now (down here, I guess I could say) for awhile helping him out and around his house, everything from cooking to laundry to yardwork to grocery shopping. I know he could potentially live a dozen more years or he could very seriously quite possibly pass away tomorrow so I've tried to come to terms with that, to be ready for that moment of discovery. The darn thing is, to fully immerse myself in trying to accept it beforehand is something I'd rather not do. Add on the fact that I'll have a whole house of stuff that I'll need to do something with, a mortgage to pay while boxing up of stuff and garage sales go on and while some minor work and renovations get done to get the house able to more easily sell, and it all frazzles me... but I do what I can to not allow it to be a shock when it does happen. Again, all selfish thinking. We're not close in that we're not really buddy friends but he has been a decent father who's provided well and always made sure me and my brother had what we needed, always tried to give us a little more, and he certainly bailed me out more times than I'd like to remember, back in the day when I wasn't quite as law-abiding as I try to be now. I cope in these times, I pray he'll stick around for as long as possible, but I try to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable. In any case, just thought I'd comment since I'm sort of in the same boat as you on this. Just gotta seek comfort from above and know that He ain't gonna put anything before us that we can't handle. Adios :)

9:36 AM  

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