Thursday, May 03, 2007

I

Let me begin by asking you not to respond to this post with any sort of electronic-hug sort of response. I'm not writing to elicit comments, I just need to get some stuff out of my head. Conversation is great, sympathy, not necessary.

Probably my biggest flaw is that I am selfish and self-centered. And the thing that irritates me the most about that is that I realize I'm like that. And even though I try to stop being so, I only seem to end up being worse at it. When I write, I'm very aware of how much I use the word "I" in each sentence. When I write a letter to Ell, I actually capitalize the word You to express that I place her ten leagues above myself in all things. But I still write about myself more than anything. In conversation, I'm very aware when others just tag-on their own stories before people even finish talking. But then I do the same thing. Last night we had dinner with our good friends Andrew and Lyndsay. I asked Andrew about his six sibling family b/c I am very interested in family dynamics. Andrew mentioned my family and before I could stop myself I was talking about my sisters and my parents and my parents siblings and on and on and on. I tried to ask him a question to let him know I really did care about what he was saying, but the moment was gone. In my Bible study I sometimes feel I'm just spilling my guts. While that's good in a small group, I have to wonder if someone else would like to talk once in a while. Even this post. Well, never mind. This is my blog, and like Adrienne says, blogging is much cheaper than therapy.

Why do I act like this? I can actually feel the energy slipping from a room when my mouth opens and won't close. I'm great in one-on-one conversations. I'm an attentive listener and good conversationalist (I hope.) But I can't help bringing things around to myself in almost all cases. ARRRRRRGGGHHH. It is so frustrating! I'm getting better, or I should say I'm trying. Just not sure if it's working or if my inward focus is just making it worse. I hate being selfish. I hate it so much I could scream or swear sometimes. I, I, I. Me, Me, Me. What in the world? The only left to do is apologize if I've interrupted, bored, or otherwise offended any of you with my selfish vocabulary and general vomiting of the tongue. Sorry.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Rob Osborn said...

Am i the first comment? Amazing! Just wanted to say that i totally relate to you on this one. I have exactly the same problem. It's funny that you bring this up now, because it's something i've been thinking about a lot (in myself, not you) and something i've been trying to change in my life. So, i'm not going to offer a hug on this one--but maybe we should start a therapy group for it or something...we could call it SCA (Selfish Conversationalists Anonymous). It would be like "Hi, I'm Rob [HI ROB]. I've been talking about myself for as long as i remember. Ever since i was a kid all i could do in a conversation was talk about myself. In fact, it's so bad now that i come to this meeting just to talk about myself....."

Maybe SCA isn't such a good idea.

10:14 AM  
Blogger lyndsay said...

I'll be the third to say it it IS so weird i've been thinking about this a lot lately too (again in myself not you)but it's crazy i know axcactly what you mean when you can feel the energy slip out of the room it's so weird, i think everyone has an easy time having conversations by just taking the safe way out and relating your own life to the conversation it's not a bad thing at all but i know excactly how you feel it's annoying you can alomost feel everyones annoyance in yourself

4:46 PM  

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