Tuesday, June 01, 2010

It's a s%#t storm right now

Did you ever have one of those points in your life where there are just too many emotions to straighten them all out at the same time? And not just mad or sad emotions, even though those are very present, but ecstatic emotions of joy and happiness as well. Add to those two extremes, mediocre feelings of relief and calmness, and you have Sam right now.

I was going to sit down tonight and write an eloquent, even inspiring, post about an exciting thing that I just found out will soon be happening to me and Ell. I was going to follow it up later this week with some more great news. And on top of that I've turned a mental corner in regards to my weight and I finally feel like I'm in enough control to admit I'm working on it.

But as I sat down on the couch to write, the pain in my joints I thought was all gone --the pain I'd been trying to ignore and pretend wasn't coming back-- flared up in my ankles and knees. But even adding my health issue to the fact that my Dad's health is still heavy on my heart, neither of those hold a candle to another personal issue I'm wrestling with.

With all of that on my mind I just couldn't bring myself to write a happy post. It's almost like I'd be lying to anyone reading my happiness because of all the sadness otherwise overtaking my emotions. My happiness wouldn't be completely real. I literally sat for almost two hours trying to sort out my brain and write the first word. It never appeared until I came to the realization I couldn't write the post I'd sat down to write.

I'm not looking for comments. Really. I just needed to share my heart and my head. There are things in my life that should be bringing me so much happiness, but they are fighting with sadness and anger that are just as strong. It's like I'm spinning around and around and can't stop myself. As my friend told me a couple weeks ago, "Life sure is a shit-storm sometimes, isn't it?!" It sure is.


Blogger Adrienne said...

My heart truly aches for you. As I find myself constantly saying -- I wish I could make things better. Unfortunately, my storm in life is learning to accept that I can't do that...

My best will have to be praying for God's best for you!

2:10 AM  
Blogger Swedish Mama said...

100% understand how you feel. Not sure I approve of your title, love you son. Grandma Shirey would say, 'Keep your chin up.' I say keep looking up.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Swedish Mama said...

Still thinking about your post.

I think I must have missed the 'rule' that says you can only post postive things on your blog or facebook. Sure, you shouldn't dwell in the dark all the time, even those of us who weren't issued rose colored glasses at birth. But there are tough times, and low emotions--and real friends will listen and say I care, even if I can't do anything. Our friends gave us something early in our marriage that said,'Happiness shared is happiness doubled, sorrow shared is sorrow halfed.'

Enough from Mom.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Melissa Blair said...

Hope you get things sorted out in your mind soon, and that your body starts to feel better - maybe it is all stress related. I look forward to reading your happy post, when you feel up to writing it.

8:04 AM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Love You!!!

8:14 AM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Praying for you...

2:26 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

My Mom wrote: "Happiness shared is happiness doubled, sorrow shared is sorrow halved."

That's a wisdom filled saying, Mom. Thanks for sharing it. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.

8:22 PM  

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