Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Love is the ultimate risk

This is an extremely difficult thing to write about. If I even want to publicly post it is still up in the air. But I've made a commitment to myself to stop caring what people think and live my own life so if you're reading this, I've chosen to share.

I met someone. A month and a half ago this small little blond thing walked into my life and immediately snatched my interest. For all the obvious reasons, I never thought I'd be in a place to look at another female while I still had so many regrets and emotional turmoil over losing Ell. Ell was my partner of fifteen years, my mate, the one person that got me and understood me better than anyone else in the world. I am and always have been a fucked up individual. My biggest fault is I think too much; I analyze every life situation down to the detail which causes me to not be able to allow myself to live in a moment or experience spontaneity or even love completely. (Which was part of what drove my last post.) But Ell got that and loved me anyway. When she left it gashed a hole in my heart and my self-esteem and hurt me deeper than I can probably ever wholly admit. So to allow myself to be interested in someone was something I never expected to let happen.

Despite all of my fears about rejection and the private issues I have with my looks and so much more, I found myself flirting with this girl. I found myself wanting to be around her. I found myself sending text message after text message which for the first time in my life caused me to surpass my allotted cell plan. Finding out she had a boyfriend only made me pursue harder and eventually put me in line to be there for her when her asshole boyfriend got caught cheating. My time to take the next step had arrived.

Over the course of a couple weeks I found myself growing attracted to this hundred pound blond girl I aged by eleven years. (A coincidence in numerology, but cool nonetheless.) Neither of us would admit our feelings as being more than platonic, but we both knew it was something else. And on a seemingly normal Wednesday night exactly one month after our acquaintance began, those hidden feelings came to the surface.

With a half-drunk text she asked me to come crash her ladies evening. I quickly answered and twenty minutes later found myself beside her at a restaurant and then driving her to the next bar on their agenda. A few drinks more and a lot of karaoke songs later, she slid her arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. It was the largest rush of blood I'd felt course through my body in way-too-many years. That single kiss and simple arm slide turned into a full hug and the two of us kissing right there at the bar; her tongue flipping ever so gently across my lips and her tiny arms intertwined through mine.

I took her to her house and she led me to her bedroom. For the next two hours I did everything I could to talk myself out of experiencing everything the night had to offer. With better judgement as well as anger at my parents for being in my head and not allowing me to be a gentleman all on my own merits, I left without having sex with this woman who wanted me just to want me. No pretenses, no rules, just intense and alive attraction.

I picked her up the next day and all of my fears were realized as the analytical reality of life set in that alcohol has a tendency to throw aside in its freedom of unmasking. Her pure feelings were that she wanted to be with me but the rules of life as society dictates them told her it didn't make sense. The fact that I'm leaving in a year, our age difference, and a whole list of other things just didn't make sense to the world and being children of the world as we are, she had to follow those rules. We would only get one more night together over the next couple weeks and while that night found us just holding each other on her couch, it was heartbreaking to know our time together was coming to a close.

And so Sunday morning found us on the phone having the break-up conversation. She just couldn't get over the hurdles we would have to jump, and I couldn't argue them away either. My relationship with this beautiful girl who had so much to offer was over almost as fast as it had begun. I can't sit here tonight and admit I thought it was ever going to last. I knew it wouldn't. But being hurt as deeply as Ell had hurt me made me want this new relationship to work so much I was willing to ignore reality and push ahead. And once again, I'm left being the victim of rejection and aloneness. Frankly, it was another slap in the face I'm not sure will ever go away. I'll probably never truly get over Ell, and as it feels right now, I'll probably never get over being walked away from so soon again.

The silver lining in all of this is that this girl with the prettiest eyes I've ever seen, helped me get over feeling worthless. The --admittedly-- superficial reality is that I'm a 35 year old, overweight guy with no money in the bank and not much to speak of in the material world. I have a wealth of friends, but even though that is undeniable, as my best friend Mike put it, friends, true friends, have a somewhat obligatory desire to be there for a friend who's hurting. This girl had none of those obligations. She wanted to be around me, she respected me, and she was attracted to me simply because she saw worth in me. I needed that. I needed one person who had no emotional attachment to me or my life with Ell, to want me for me. And even though that was short-lived and ruined by worldly pressures, it was still as true as anything so purely true can be.

All that said, once again I'm alone in a house I don't want to be in. I'm once again looking forward to escaping into the woods in hopes of completing something since everything else in my life has never seen completion. And I'm sad. I'm sad I wasn't enough. Enough for Ell, enough for my new lady friend, enough for anyone to want to be with me tonight; right now. That sucks. That hurts. That makes me sad. I think I'm becoming a better man though all of this, but that doesn't take away the basic human need for a companion. I just can't help wanting someone to want to be with me. As Andy Hull of Manchester Orchestra and Right Away My Captain said in one of his songs, "I could use a friend to say they love me." That isn't a cry for anyone, cyber or real, to tell me that. I want a woman to tell me that. I'm just being honest here. I do have amazing friends, but that can never replace the deepest need I have in this moment.

I want to apologize if this is too open for you. Love is the ultimate risk. I put myself out there and was rejected and that makes me the man who sat down to write this tonight. Whether what I had with this lady was right or wrong, heck even if the person was someone else, I'm still here alone and that hurts so damn much. That's me right now. That's where I'm at.


Blogger Kyle said...

You're a good man, Sam. I hope you find that mate. By the way, thanks for not April fooling me over blogger this year...

4:19 PM  
Blogger dave said...

sam, please don't apologize for your honesty. i thank you for it. your story, and your willingness to share it, is inspirational to me.

i will continue to hope for you my cyber friend.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Praying for you!!!

8:40 AM  
Blogger Melissa Blair said...

I am amazed at your strength and positive outlook. You may not see it yourself, but you always seem to find the positive moments in your life, even if you feel like you are overwhelmed with negative ones. Thank you so much for sharing and reminding us of what a strong person that you truly are!

3:38 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Probably a bad time for a "I thought you were gay" joke here huh? Love you man.

11:40 AM  

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