Thursday, February 24, 2011

Black gives way to blue

I don't want to feel no more
It's easier to keep falling
Imitations are pale
Emptiness.... all

tomorrow's
Haunted by your ghost

Lay down, black gives way to blue
Lay down, I'll remember you

Fading out by design
Consciously avoiding changes
Curtain's drawn now it's done
Silencing all

tomorrow's
Forcing a goodbye

Lay down, black gives way to blue
Lay down, I'll remember you

Jerry Cantrell

I'm horribly broken today.
Crying uncontrollably as I type this.
But she's gone. She's really gone.
Every tear soaked night before this has been with some sort of vain hope she would come back.
That she would miss me.


That one hurt.


I just miss her so much.
So very much.
But she's gone from me.
Gone.
Really gone.

I've been listening to this song on repeat for twenty minutes now. Sitting in a chair in front of the speaker in the corner of a house that's way too big for me. With her, it seemed too small. She filled the place with smiles and laughter and happiness. Now it's just a house. An empty house I almost can't stand to live in without her. I looked across the living room towards the back door wanting more than anything else in life for her to walk in it and across the room to me.

I may never see her again.
Ever.
Oh, this hurts so bad.

I've spent almost a week doing work she would have done in a day. I'm planning a party that shouldn't be happening without her. It just shouldn't. I really wanted to pull this thing off as some sort of way for all of us to move on. Dammit, I don't want to move on. I want her here. I want her here. I want her here.
I'm not sure I can do this.

Why did she have to leave?
Why couldn't she still want me?
Why didn't she walk through that door when I looked for her?
Why can't she give me a chance to make her happy?
Why can't I hear her voice calling my name again?

I've tried, really tried to put on a good face these past few weeks. At work, with friends, at home. I've only cried in front of someone once and even then I stopped before I lost control. I don't want to pretend anymore. I just want her back. I don't care who knows I'm not okay. I'm not okay with any of this. This is not what I want. What I want is her. That's all. Nothing else.

I can't do this.
I just can't do this.
I can't handle this pain.
My world is done.
This hurts so much.

11 Comments:

Blogger Kimmy said...

You don't have to pretend to be okay. Don't put up a brave front. What you are going through sucks, and it's painful. Feel free to share your pain with those of us who care about you.

5:56 PM  
Blogger jen said...

sam. i cant imagine how much you are hurting. but know i am praying for you. praying that sooner than later you will know why all of this is happening. and praying that you find some comfort in knowing so many people care about you. (((HUGS)))

8:33 PM  
Blogger Swedish Mama said...

Love you. Praying for strength for you.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Sweet Peripety said...

God is standing with you. And so are we.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

Hearing you share this deep pain, reaffirms in me your resolve and strength. I can see the strength of God made perfect in your time of despair. It reminds me of Elijah and his time of despair. Just like Elijah, let God care for you and strengthen you. This too will pass, as painful as it is.

Love ya bro!

10:45 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I understand! It doesn't make sense, and may never, unfortunately. I have no wise words, and I don't think you need them... What I have is the knowledge that a lot of people (including myself) love you very much, and are here for you. I guess all I can say is... try to focus your will and your strength on Jesus Christ. It is only through His grace and love and strength that you will get through this. There is healing in tears... let them flow. Inside the walls of your house, or infront of the whole world! You pain and loss can help others... if you want to heal you have to feel... let them flow.

I Love You!!!

8:52 AM  
Blogger Kyle said...

Bear hugs. Big fat fuzzy-wuzzy Bear hugs

9:16 AM  
Blogger ChelChel said...

Sam- First off turn that song off!!!

I cannot imagine how empty you must feel, remember that you will be surrounded by those who care about you this weekend, stay strong!

And it is OK to reveal how you feel! No need to hide it!

2:07 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

No words here...I wish I had something to say that would be wonderful and profound and help ease your pain. :(

*hugs*

12:13 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

I really don't get any of what happened...maybe because I don't 'know' you and live a world away, or maybe no one does...but either way, I just can't stand to see people in pain. I'm sorry there is no easy fix.

1:12 AM  
Blogger Dave and Betsy's Blog said...

Loss hits deep, especially when the hope goes away. Hope lives deep inside, and when it's gone, as it goes, it hurts so much. I'm sorry Sam. As time goes on, it will hurt less and less, which isn't helpful to hear right now. Somehow, our hearts mend, and the hole, which may never close completely, gets smaller or gets filled up with other things, other memories, other loves.

Praying for you...

Bets and Dave

8:18 AM  

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