Friday Funny

My friend Cyndy sent me some jokes yesterday that I'd like to share with all of you. If things work out with "Company-X" I'll probably lose her as a source for funnies, so I'd like to take advantage of her generosity while I can. Enjoy.

Sensible Observations

When I die I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacfully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle-"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar."
-Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's' life without even considering if there is a man on base."
-Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
-Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
-Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the Impersonators would be dead."
-Johnny Carson

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -Mark Twain

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
-Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"?Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
-Unknown, presumed deceased

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-W. C. Fields

Have a great weekend everyone.