Friday, January 28, 2011

It's over

1/26/11 10:30pm

I wonder when it will end.
I wonder when I won't feel this way.

When everything I do and say and act out aren't with the underlying thought that Laura will somehow see what she's missing. That she'll always be in my life and that it is my goal to impress her, to amaze her, to make her laugh, or just softly smile. I wonder when I'll stop having those unspoken thoughts that all I do is for her, about her, because of her, and with her in mind.

I wonder how long it will be without seeing her face to forget how she smiles.
I wonder how long it will be without hearing her voice to forget what it sounds like.
I wonder how long it will be without living my life with her to remember I have my own.

Today Ell and I walked out of the courthouse with our marriage dissolved; the same courthouse we walked into almost a decade-and-a-half ago with our marriage certificate in hand. I drove her back to her Mom's house in a Volkswagen, the same kind of car we were in as we pulled away from the church where we were married. I dropped her off at her Mom's house where barely a hundred yards away I had picked her up for our first date. We hugged, we kissed our final kiss, and we exchanged our final, "I love you"'s. I cried the entire drive home. My life with my beautiful soul mate is now over.

16 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth said...

My heart is aching for you Sam!
Praying for you today and each that will follow. Hugs to you.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Sam I'm so sorry.

2:46 PM  
Blogger jen said...

oh sam. myheart is so sad for you. know that i am thinking of you and wish only the best for you. the best is yet to come.

3:15 PM  
Blogger Green Squirrel said...

Been there myself years back. Never thought then my life would turn around like it has. My heart aches when I read this. Thoughts and prayers for you. If you ever need to talk let me know.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous DL Jake said...

I have no words. But I do have prayers.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Kimmy said...

Praying comfort for your heart. Love you, Sam.

6:09 PM  
Blogger Swedish Mama said...

Oh Sam, I can't begin to understand your pain. Our family hurts from the loss of one of ours. I wish I could hold, as I did, in your beloved laz-boy and rock you till you felt better. Love you, as your Dad would, little buddy.

9:12 PM  
Blogger dave said...

hey sam,

we only know each other from the blogosphere, but i am deeply moved by your pain. i'm so sorry to hear about this! i will be praying for you much my friend.

peace

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Hollie said...

Sam, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm praying that somehow you will find a way to work through the pain. My heart just ached for you when I read your thoughts.

1:38 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

I'm sorry, Sam...the breaking of your heart certainly echos in your words.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Daniel said...

Praying for you, brother!

5:49 PM  
Blogger Kyle said...

Sometimes life is Sh*t. You have to live in the present even though your heart stays in the past.

Wishing you peace.

6:24 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

The shit storm of life hit you hard man. Don't be shy in letting me know how I can be a better friend.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Chel said...

Thank you for sharing Sam, we love you and pray for your heart to heal...keep moving forward.

7:11 PM  
Blogger Sweet Peripety said...

I still don't understand it all. My heart aches. I will keep on praying for you.

12:42 PM  
Blogger Dave and Betsy's Blog said...

I am now reading this Sam, and my tears are for you now. I'm sorry. I can't imagine your pain, but I feel it as I read your words.

Bets

4:29 AM  

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