Sunday, May 05, 2013

Feeling off

As I transferred the white load of laundry I'd forgotten about last night from the washing machine to the dryer, questioning under my breath how I could forget something so simple, I started to wonder why my emotions and actions have been so off lately. My dissatisfaction with my new bank, my sense of displacement in my new home, my weird habits, my sense of dread over finances, my random homesickness, and more... all of it leaving me feeling like something was a bit off.

Being married to the ex at such a young age, and sharing our graduation of maturity, and then having it stripped away without a reasonable explanation, all then followed by the quick progression of leaving the Log House, failing on the AT, and then losing my Dad, were in hindsight, the kind of things people lose their minds over. I sometimes wonder if at times I've been on the edge of a nervous breakdown... or worse. What used to be my normal rhythms, the unseen and unrecognized progressions of life, had a severe break in their cycle in 2010 and '11 and '12. I see that now. But in dealing with them in the moment, that was a hard realization to understand let alone even know was happening.

As a very young twenty-something, life events --even intense ones-- are easier to handle because young adults don't really know what adulthood is supposed to look like, so they just take it in stride and muscle through. (Most of them.) And if you have someone by your side, those challenges are even easier to deal with because there is a dual survival mentality: you can handle big issues easier with someone to share them with. And even how you handle those things become a mutual decision which by its nature becomes less about covering each other's backs and more about facing the problems head on, linked arm-in-arm; a common thought process overriding two separate minds.

But as you get older I tend to believe you become more guarded and cautious. I thought about this recently in regards to buying a house. Even with her sixty thousand dollar plus school debt, Alli and I make more than enough money to buy a house; almost double what the ex and I made when we bought our first house with me stocking drywall and her waitressing which were hardly jobs a rational couple would hang their financial-future hat on. But my age makes me throw up the danger flag that buying a house is stupid right now. Not a single similarity to my decision-making process as a twenty one year old.

And then there's the pondering whether I'm limiting Alli in her own progression of maturity. Am I, at fourteen years her elder, blocking her from experiencing those things because of my cautious, rational thinking behaviors? Is that fair to her? Alli makes me happier then I've ever been in my life, but being with her brings about all these fears and concerns that I should help her --and us-- make smart decisions. My guess is that comes from knowing I don't have all my twenties and thirties to fix my mistakes like I did the first time. Right or wrong, that's where I'm at.

So back to feeling off... All of this maturity in the face of starting something most people do in their twenties is probably at the center of my emotional well being. I had a partner that was a partner at the normal time and we grew together at the normal pace things usually grow, and now that I'm doing that all over but this time with a partnership from different age ranges, comes with certain introspection's.

To mistake this feeling for only deriving from my upcoming marriage would be shortsighted. My life is different now in a way I never would have imagined or foreseen. I only have one parent now, I live in a different state than the previous thirty five years, the house I thought I'd have forever is no longer mine, I'm uncertain if I can continue pretending my career ambition is to be a banker, my closest friends in the world are nine hours away, everything that was safe and secure and without question is no longer any of those things. It all has me feeling off, disconnected, on the edge of being lost. I know some people who would say that where I was at, was at best, a sense of complacency. And I think they would be correct. But even though that seems sad, my life was comfortable and known, with no questioning. Again, right or wrong, I think a lot people settle into that right around the age I'm at in my life.

I need to add one more thing, this is not a case of cold feet. I am ready and eager to be married to Alli. I just don't see a clear plan for my life that was there a few years ago when all was safe, and I think that scares me. That last part is probably the core of all this. I think I'm just scared. Whatever all this means, I'm feeling off.


Blogger HennHouse said...

I can only offer my love and prayers, Sam. Lots of prayers.

8:40 PM  

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