90 days

For those of you following along with the struggles I've been having at work, I wanted to let you know that the end has been defined. Yesterday I had my annual review, which is where my managers give me a rating based on my performance last year. At least that's what it's supposed to be. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately depending on your position,) the review sheet is somewhat editorial by design. That design allowed my boss to make the score two levels lower than it should have been. (On a five point scale I got a 2 where I should have received a 4.) In reality I was expecting something like that to happen.

What I was not expecting was the additional issues they chose to place on me. As I've said before, within the finance industry you can't just fire someone; there has to be a process. I thought if I could keep my head above water and work as hard as possible I could make a go of a rough situation. Turns out I was wrong. In addition to the low evaluation, I also received a 90 day probationary notice with five detailed items that need to happen within that time or my position would be terminated. Of those five items, only a couple are things I can ultimately control and as such there's no way I can guarantee my job any longer.

As much as I tried to go in prepared, I was thrown off by the probationary notice and the subsequent horribly derogatory comments. Both of my superiors blasted me with straight out accusations as well as side-swiping innuendos, and it threw me really off balance. I don't have a temper (and I didn't lose my cool even under their heat) but I couldn't help getting defensive at what they were saying.

As anyone with a Psychology background knows, being defensive in a situation of underhanded attacks only shows weakness and allows the one attacking to control the conversation. Yesterday I lost that battle. They prodded me to speak and I couldn't help sounding like (in my mind only maybe) a little child who was getting bullied by the older kids. They stuck in little lies and inaccuracies that I had to discuss which left me sounding like I only cared about silly things and couldn't see the whole picture. I pride myself on being a good salesman and getting people to focus on things I want them to see while ignoring things I want them to ignore. Yesterday I was beaten by a better salesman than myself.

I'm very down and mad that I let myself get beat, but furthermore I'm upset that somehow they have me internally second-guessing. Am I actually not a good leader? Do I come off with a bad attitude sometimes? Am I offending in my tone of speech? Do I not know how to sell comparable to my peers? Am I the reason that branches don't hit their sales figures? Yes, all of those were issues they accused me of. The thing confusing me is that people who know me personally would never say those things, but my work persona could very well be different. Even though much of what came out of their mouths was following an agenda laid out for my exit, they really have me questioning some deep down personal, emotional issues. Issues of laziness, stupidity, dishonesty, self-esteem, and others I'm too embarrassed to admit.

I want to thank all of you who've kept me in your thoughts and prayers the last few months. I told Ell last night that after the initial depression I went through, I had been excited about my future and my potentials. Yesterday all I felt was fear. I hate fear. Getting another job doesn't scare me, but the uncertainty does. Paying our bills does. Supporting my wife does. I don't know what the future holds. I guess I have 89 days to figure it out.