Friday Funny

My Mom is a fan of those "Maxine" cartoons, and she sent me this joke. So everyone thank my Mom for the funny this week.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon, so he placed four worms into four separate jars. Inside each of the jars was something different.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol--DEAD.
The second worm in cigarette smoke--DEAD.
The third worm in chocolate syrup--DEAD.
The fourth worm in good clean soil--ALIVE.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raising her hand she said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

The Minister ended the service right then.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Wow, that was long

Ten days. I think that may be the longest I've ever gone without posting since I started this rag. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I can assure you the lack of writing wasn't from a lack of stuff in my head. In fact, I must have written at least 20 posts in that time frame but I was either nowhere near a computer or too busy to sit down and write when those times hit me. Oh well, lost to the universe now.

I do want to express great joy in that my brother Dave has made a renewed promise to blog. Also, dear sweet (and big brained) Kim has also made a bold statement to post more often. Thanks to both of you. I really think we need to encourage each other in our writing, and so there's mine to both of you. (You too, Smith.)

Alright, now for something gross. For the past few weeks, almost every afternoon, I've developed this little snot blob in my left nostril. It's not like a normal booger and even snot, it's more like this little pure white entity that has a life of it's own. I can usually feel it's in there when I get a little tickle in my nostril, but way back in the back of the cavity. If I do a good farmer blow (close one nostril with a finger pressing it shut and then blowing hard out of the other nostril) this little thing comes sailing out. It usually lands somewhere on my dash or steering wheel or windshield. But like I said, it's not like snot or a booger, so it isn't sticky or anything. I can pick it up and hold it on my finger like watery silly putty. After which I usually laugh, and then flick it out the window. I know it's weird but I've grown to enjoy the daily ritual.

Alright, enough randomness for one day. Love you all!

Peace.

Friday Funny

I started out my day with a funny, but it wasn't me laughing. In fact, the joke was on me. What was it? I paid over $4.00 a gallon for gas. It was a sad day. I can still remember the first time I paid over $1.00 and then $2.00 (I seemed to have missed $3.00 as it whizzed by), and I remember those events seemed like major milestones. $4.00, on the other hand, was just painful.

Let's try to think of something cheerier. How about these...

"Oh, Grandma, I sure am happy to see you," said the little boy. "Now maybe Daddy will do that trick he's been promising us."

"What trick is that?" asked the curious grandmother.

The little boy beamed as he answered, "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit!"
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The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Little Johnny, tell me, do you say your prayers before eating?"

"No, ma'am," Little Johnny replied. "We don't have to, my Mom is a good cook."
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The prospective Father-In-Law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised Groom-to-be replied, "Well, mmm, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves."

Have a great weekend everyone.

Eliza's TV post

In case no one's noticed, I finally added my friend Elizabeth's blog to my blogroll. Whatever was blocking my computer (at the old office) from viewing her site is no longer an issue. So now I can just go to her site without tracking it down and getting "POLICY VIOLATION" emails from work. Horray for life.


In honor of her presence, I'm copying a TV post she shared and answering her questions. Here goes...
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Empire Magazine has revealed its list of the “50 Greatest TV Shows” ever. Below is the list and here be the rules.

1. Bold the shows of which you’ve watched every episode


2. Italicize the shows of which you’ve seen at least one episode


2a. Star * the shows you consider “the best”


3. Post your answers
————-
50.Quantum Leap
49. Prison Break
48. Veronica Mars
47. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
46. Sex & The City
45. Farscape
44. Cracker #
43. Star Trek *
42. Only Fools and Horses #
41. Band of Brothers *
40. Life on Mars #
39. Monty Python’s Flying Circus
38. Curb Your Enthusiasm
37. Star Trek: The Next Generation * (My Dad is a huge Trekkie, so I saw both a lot.)
36. Father Ted #
35. Alias (Really didn't this show. My friend thought she was hot so I had to watch it. But I did it under protest.)
34. Frasier
33. CSI: Las Vegas
32. Babylon
531. Deadwood
30. Dexter * (But I need to immerse myself in Bible reading and prayer after every episode! Incredible show, though.)(That was Eliza's comment, but I totally agree.)
29. ER
28. Fawlty Towers #
27. Six Feet Under
26. Red Dwarf #
25. Futurama
24. Twin Peaks
23. The Office UK (I'm not going to star it as one of the best, but it's pretty darn funny.)
22. The Shield
21. Angel
20. Blackadder #
19. Scrubs * (This show sometimes annoys me, but it's one of the best written/acted comedies ever.)
18. Arrested Development
17. South Park *
16. Doctor Who #
15. Heroes
14. Firefly (* When it ran the first time. The second go around was less than par.)
13. Battlestar Galactica (Man did I hate this show. It was so played out and forced. I guess I was spoiled by Stargate being an AMAZING sci-fi show. I don't know, I just know this one sucked.)
12. Family Guy *
11. Seinfeld *
10. Spaced #
09. The X-Files *
08. The Wire #
07. Friends ***
06. 24
05. Lost (Actually I've only watched the "summary" show earlier this year, but that kinda covered everything up to this season. So I cheat italicized, sue me.)
04. The West Wing
03. The Sopranos
02. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
01. The Simpsons *


I feel the need to compose my list of Best TV Evah. In no particular order, and it’s late…I know I’m missing some stuff…what am I missing?
Veronica Mars
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Firefly
Wonderfalls
Pushing Daisies
Dexter
The Office (US)
Heroes
The X-Files
Studio 60

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In case you're wondering, I added my own qualifier, the # symbol. Those are shows I've never even heard of. I thought that in a list of so-called "best" shows, they should probably be known by at least a majority of people. (Indie people must be screaming at me right now.) So that's why I added it.


And in continuing Elizabeth's idea, here's my list of faves in no particular order. I'm sure I'll miss a few, but here's my attempt...
-Stargate SG1
-Home Improvement
-Friends
-Simpsons
-Cosby Show and Coach (To throw in a few oldie but goodies.)
-Recess (I know it's a kid's cartoon, but I loved that show. I even bought the movie.)
-Smallville
-Star Trek
-Pushing Daisies (Not sure if it got cancelled or what, but that show was where I think TV should be going.)
-Dawson's Creek


So there it is. Welcome to ELEVEN Elizabeth, and thanks for the post idea.

Technology is grand

With all it's problems and issues, one thing I love about Blogger is the mailed comments option. With me not able to access Blogger at work, that feature is nice to watch conversations unfold and to catch comments on old posts. Chris, aka Zooooooma, (as well as others) often responds to old posts and if I didn't have that option I'd never go back and read what he said. If you haven't added that feature, I'd highly recommend it.

In other news, Ell is done with school for the year and passed all her classes. It was, by far, her hardest semester and I'm ecstatic she's done. Now she can enjoy her summer.

Friday Funny

My friend Kyle and his family came out for the Grand Opening last night. After they'd been to the show and had taken the dime tour, they wandered into the Cafe. Kyle's Dad walked over and declared he had a Funny to share with me. He doesn't have a blog so I think he was hoping to step into the blogosphere by way of the pages of eleven. Well, his wish has come true. This one's for you, Tom. Thanks.

A farmer from Ohio and a farmer from Texas ran into one another at a local cattle auction. After a short conversation, the farmer from Ohio shared that he had just bought some land and added the acres into his farm. Not to be outdone, the Texan stood up and puffed out his chest.

"Oh yeah?" he began. "My farm is so big I can get in my truck at dawn and drive all day and still not make it to the other side of my farm before the sun goes down."

The Ohio farmer nodded in understanding and replied, "Yeah. I got one of them trucks too."

Hat tipped for Tom for that zinger.
Have a great weekend everyone.

A big day all around

So my day started at 5:45 am with a phone call from Ell (who's day started at 4:00 am) saying "they" were starting the live feed in a couple minutes. "They" were the morning news crew from the local NBC station. Today is the Grand Opening of the theatre attached to Ell's cafe and they were there to do five or six live segments of both the theatre and the cafe. I ran downstairs to see my friend Don (the owner) talking about how everything in the theatre had been redone from the roof to the floor. Then a few minutes later my lovely wife walked the camera crew through the cafe and showed off some of her food and desserts. It was pretty cool.

Have I mentioned that my wife has lost a bunch of weight and is as smoking as she's ever been? Well, she has, and she is. And guess what? The news anchor hit on her. I wasn't there (I was in my lazy boy watching her on TV) but my dear friend Don stood up for me in defense of my wife. He walked up to him and said, "Her husband is really big and really strong." I guess the guy was kind of embarrassed. Ell could have held her own, but I had to laugh at Don's reaction. Someone said I should have been pissed at the anchor, but what's the use in getting mad? If anything, I feel complimented I have a hot wife.

After I saw Ell on TV, I called into the work voicemail and reported off sick. (I'll explain in a minute.) I went into the Cafe around 9:00 am and stayed for the ribbon cutting at 10:00. Then I went over to my friend Chip's house and we talked about some business opportunities for an hour or so. Chip is a professional musician who plays music for kids and families. I may handle some calls for him while he's away for the summer. Nothing major, just returning calls and emails he can't get to.

After that I headed home and changed into my normal penguin suit. (Here comes the reason for the call off. Please don't tell anyone, Linda...) I had an interview up in Youngstown at another bank. It may not be the exact thing I'm looking for, and it won't be the last interview I go on, but it just might punch my ticket out of the torture I'm in now. And in case you're wondering, I think it went really well. We'll see in a week when they call me.

And on to tonight... The other two local stations, ABC and CBS, are doing live feeds from the Open House tonight at the theatre. Ell is all dolled-up, which is a rare sight to be sure, and she's out schmoozing the press, something else she doesn't like to do. Is it bad to say the first thought I had when I saw her in her business suit is how sexy she looked? (The second was something to the tune of how I couldn't wait to see that suit crumpled on our bedroom floor, but kids may be reading this so I won't say it outside of these parentheses.)

It seems the entire town is coming out to see this thing open up. A line of people has formed across the front of the cafe and further than I can see from where I'm sitting. It's crazy; there are hundreds of people here. I shouldn't be surprised though, the theatre is a landmark in this little town and it's been closed for over seventeen months. Don put a lot of money into it and people must be really anxious to see how it's turned out.

Well, I should go see if there's anything I can do to help Ell. Stop by the theatre if you live close. If not tonight, maybe this weekend. The movie showing the next three nights will be the classic, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with Audrey Hepburn. Should be a good time.

Peace.

Here they come

As each new month sticks its head out of its hole, it's nearly trampled by a throng of human feet. Those feet belong to millions of people in this country who get their Social Security checks on either the 1st or the 3rd. For many, like my dear friend Guy and other respectable folks like him, that check means a Wal-Mart trip or sending in the mortgage or heading to the grocery store. They, like many of the rest of us, live in such a way that our budgets flow in relation to our checks. It may be week to week or month to month, but it works.

And then there's the other crowd...

These people are dirty, and by dirty I mean physical dirt on and around them like Pigpen from Peanuts. These people are smelly, and by smelly I mean urine soaked pants and shoes soaked in who knows what. These people are nauseating, and by nauseating I mean snot dried to their faces and grease dripping from their hair and yuck dripping from their open sores. If you're a germ-a-phobe or OCD, you'd never be able to work in a bank at the beginning of the month. By no means am I being harsh or insensitive, but these people are the literal bottom of the barrel. They are the druggies and drunks and worse.

This second group handles their money in a much different way. Half of this group has their check direct deposited and the other half get a paper check. As soon as the bank opens, they come in and pull most, if not all, of the money right out. While I make no claim to be a master of budgeting, I can tell you with surety that spending a month's worth of money in a couple days will leave you wanting. And that's what these people do.

To make that financial situation worse, the few who leave a couple dollars in their accounts (and many who don't,) write a myriad of checks and use their Debit Card for all kinds of purchases while their account still shows a balance. Unfortunately, most of them are horrible at math and almost always spend more than they have. The results are NSF and Overdraft fees and ultimately them in my office mid-month complaining they can't buy food or can't pay their rent because we "took" their money.

The worst part about this whole situation is the fact that no matter how hard you try you'll never be able to help these people. No amount of advice or discipline or fees or compassion will ever get them to stop spending their cash all at once and digging themselves deeper and deeper. I've tried with more than I can count. I had a guy in my office just this morning who had run up a $640 bill with the bank over the month of April. After depositing enough to cover that deficit he took the remaining $37 in cash because he needed it for "beer and snuff." I asked him when rent was due and how much it was. He mumbled, "It's $180 and isn't due 'til the tenth. So I'll be fine." See what I mean?

I work in a depressed inner-city environment, surrounded by projects and abandoned buildings, so my experience is predominately of this second group of people. Those who work in affluent or even middle class neighborhoods most likely see many more of the first than the second. For me, this city and it's residents have been an eye-opener. I've seen the blue-hairs flock to the banks for years and years, but I've never seen that wave be so dirty and broken and sad.

Sorry for such a weird post, just wanted to share with you the view from my office door.