Friday Funny

Thank you Adrienne for your little hint..........And just for you I'll share a good baby-birthing funny.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home the mailman was dead on their porch.

What does this mean?

This whole "before-I-die" topic keeps coming up. It started with a simple question about a list, and for some reason it's all that's been talked about since. And I don't mean only in the blog world. Every other Tuesday night I lead a Bible study for the guys in my youth group. It usually doesn't have as much to do with the Bible as it does with basic stuff, And b/c it's a smaller group and only the guys we can get into some more personal and important stuff than we could ever bring up in a larger group. Well the list came up there this past Tuesday.

One of the guys that graduated 2 years ago and is home for the summer led the discussion. He talked about making the right life choices and not getting complacent. He referred a couple times to the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge. (This book should be a must-read for every man in the world. And it wouldn't hurt the women to read it either.) The interesting thing about his talk was that he was looking at the world through the eyes of a 20 year old. And the rest of the guys were all close to the same age. But what was discussed was almost exactly what I have been thinking about ever since the whole "list" thing came up.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of our talk that night, since we talked for a couple hours. But my point is that this is a pretty important thing. All of the responses and posts from the late-20/30-something crowd showed that. And then to hear it brought up again by someone completely separated from any previous discussions, and a lot younger, proved it once again. And then there were the thoughts from the two oldest farts to read this rag, Guy and my Dad. Their perspective is a little different and their lists are much shorter. But they echoed each other by saying that goals and dreams are necessary if done with common sense.

It seems that everyone has on opinion on this. So much food for thought I'm gonna be thinking about this for a long time.

Drive-In

I just got home form taking the youth group to the Drive-In to see the new Pirates movie and Cars. I forgot how much I love going to the Drive-In. Even though I had almost 50 kids to worry about and it rained on us during the second movie, it was so much fun! A couple of the older ones talked about going up again tomorrow (I guess it would be today) to see the "Lady in the Water" movie, but it probably won't happen. Just as well, that would make two really late nights in a row. I don't think Ell could handle that. She actually brought her work clothes with her to the church and went straight to work at 2:30. Then she goes straight from work to her Chemistry class. She is absolutely amazing. I don't how she does it. I am so proud of her! Well, enough of the mushy stuff. I'm going home and going to bed!

A Second Look

(I wrote this Monday morning)

Ell and I had some great friends over last night and somehow a bonfire got started in our firepit. Those of us who smoke broke out our pipes. And as usually happens when pipes come out, a lot of talking and laughing came out too. At one point I thought the mood felt like it needed a serious question so I brought up the "before-I-die" list idea. The mood turned out not needing the seriousness I thought it did, and everyone made fun of me for a little while. It was pretty funny.

Eventually people started to leave and by midnight the only people left were our two dearest friends in the world. As the four of us sat around the table eating blueberry cobbler and vanilla ice cream, someone brought up the serious question from before. Neither one of our friends seemed to know if they even had a list. They agreed they just lived as life came at them. No real plans beyond the best care and nurturing of their family. What a concept! I had to admit I am not like that. (Meaning the no list, not the nurturing.)

I tried to get them in the right mindset (or rather the mindset I thought they should have been in) and suggested this concept..........You are going to die in six months, list the things you want to do. Lots of drinking, smoking, and sex were the general consensus. We couldn't even be serious that late at night! But looking at it that way did get some more ideas going. But it did something I didn't expect...........it changed my list. Not b/c the stuff on my list wasn't important, but b/c we changed the parameters. A ton of stuff on my list I could care less about if I was going to die in six months. For example, I wouldn't care about owning a Shelby Mustang, but I sure as heck would want to drive one. And I wouldn't care about visiting Hawaii, but I would not miss out on walking at least some of the Appalachian Trail. Weird how we look at things when we put them in a box isn't it?

One other thing that came up was that if people make big plans and they don't end up happening, there are bad feelings or even damaging emotions. I had to agree, but I couldn't get away from the fact that there are things that I absolutely have to do; thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail for example. I want that bad, and I know I will have to deal with a lot of emotional and mental issues if it doesn't happen. But that doesn't make me want it any less.

I love conversations like that one last night. They make me think for days and days. Good stuff!

Friday Funny

Kudos to my Dad for this one..............

A six year old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.

"That's a serious step," said the father, hiding his smile. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in her's. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father asked.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married. you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that too, the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Do you have a list?

Yesterday Ruth posted a list titled 'Life's to do list.' It included some pretty funny things and some intense things too. (To clarify, I don't think Ruth made the list; I think she posted it to show what things she had done from the list.) When I was 17 I made a similar thing that I titled my 'Things I want to do before I die' list. I'm not sure what happened to it, but I remember a lot of what was on it. So as I read Ruth's list and thought of the one I did, it made me wonder how many people make lists like that. I bet a lot of people do. If they don't write it down, they probably have it in their heads. And judging from the eclectic group that reads this rag, I bet there'd be some crazy stuff on each of your lists. So since I'm curious (or nosey as my Mom says) why don't each of you post your lists on your blog? And no this isn't one of Kimmy's crazy blog-point challenges. (But if you want to award points Kimmy, I should get some for such a great idea!!)

So here's my updated list.........*completed are in bold*

>Thru-hike the Appalachian Trail
>Own a 1967 Shelby Mustang
>Visit Hawaii
>Visit Jamaica
>Visit Ireland
>Own and live in a log home
>Buy everyone a drink in a bar
>Take a really fast car for a test drive
>Stand on the Great Wall of China
>Say I love you to someone and really mean it
>Hug a tree
>Stay up all night and watch the sunrise
>Go to an NFL game
>Grow and eat my own vegetables
>Be completely debt free again
>Hit a home run
>Witness a Grand Slam in Baseball
>Take the '14 road trip
>Go to a Drive In movie
>Own an old Split-Window VW Bus
>Get Married
>Get tattooed
>Sit right in front of the stage to see my favorite band
>Go skinny-dipping
>Kill and mount a 'Hat-Rack' whitetail
>Run my car and win at a drag strip
>Finish the special at one of those 'eat the whole thing and it's free' places
>Steal something big
>Own a lot of guns
>Live in a Commune
>Take a kid fishing and hunting

I'm sure there's more, but this is all I can think about here at work. I'm looking forward to reading all of your lists!

HA HA HA

Looks like those schmucks only blocked the computer in "my" office. So stupid. So stupid. All I have to do is log onto another computer and they don't know I'm here! Ahhh, sweet relief!!! But seriously, thanks to all you guys who gave me advice on getting around my little problem. In hindsight, I realize that when looking at the big picture, my problem is really silly. Guy's Sweetthing just had back surgery, my Dad is in a wheelchair, and there are o-so-many women I know lugging around another human in their bellies in this stifling humidity. I have nothing to complain about compared to them.

Speaking of my Dad........I know I have told you guys before about his site, but I wanted to encourage everyone to check out the post he did yesterday titled "Just no comparison!" He usually writes towards an audience of people who have undergone physical or emotional trauma of one kind or another. This post was no different, but it really applies to all of our lives. Check it out, you won't be sorry. (Just click on Dwight under my links and go to that post.)

In other news, I wanted to share a Friday Funny since I was so involved in Kimmy's challenge that I forgot to do so. Kudos go out to my friend Chip for this one.............

A man walks into a bar with a huge captain's wheel from a ship hanging on his belt buckle. The bartender can't believe his eyes and exclaims, "Why do you have a captain's wheel on your belt buckle?" The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Have a great day everyone!

My Day

12:00am July 14th, 2006 tried to say hello to the world but was drwoned out by a horrifically loud snoring fit coming from a man in NE Ohio.

1:00am Still snoring.

2:00am I woke up shivering wondering why I had turned the fan on high and wasn't sleeping with any covers on the bed. Of course I didn't get up and turn off the fan or pull up a sheet, I just snuggled closer to Ell.

3:00am Back to snoring.

4:00am Yep, still snoring.

5:00am Kicked the cat that had started to play with my twitching foot. Went back to snoring.

5:30am I was awoken by the alarm clock I had put on the other side of the room. (I do this b/c I know I will be awake enough to stay up by the time I turn it off. Plus the urgency to stop the noise and not wake up Ell will not let me sleep through it.) I quickly set it one hour ahead and went back to bed!

6:30am I woke up and realized what I had done and called myself a few choice names.

6:31am Kissed Ell goodbye. (She kissed me back but I assure you she doesn't remember . She never does.)

6:32am Fed the cats. Apologized to Junior for kicking him. He seemed to be allright.

6:35am The 3 S's. (If you don't know what that is, think about what you do in the bathroom in the morning.)

7:00am Made a bagel, started this list, and went outside to inspect the garden.

7:15-7:55am Drove to work. Prayed for each kid by name in my youth group.

8:00am Checked and responded to emails and faxes.

8:30am Helped balance the ATM.

9:00am Prepared loan documents for a 10:00 loan closing.

9:30-9:50am Business products teleconference. (There's a wasted 20 minutes of my life I'm not getting back!)

9:50am Put office supplies away.

10:00am Loan signing and closing.

10:20am Worked on invite list for our August party.

10:40am Put new credit card app on the sytem for the guy I signed the loan for.

10:50am Finished staff vacation calendar for remainder of 2006.

11:00am Worked on preparations for the youth group trip to Lakeside. Reserved sites, bought tickets, figured prices, called kids and parents.

12:40pm Lunch.

1:00pm Here's where my day gets a little crazy. (And in fact, is what a normal day for me looks like.) I won't break down the minutes and hours b/c it all runs together. This time frame included.......opening a new business checking acct, working on an overdrawn acct, fixing an accounting error, sending two loan packages, taking another loan application, ordering supplies, working on three small business accts, finishing and sending some week-end reports, auditing my Head-Teller's drawer before her vacation, integrating old paperwork into a new filing system, closing a couple accts, transferring money to cover promotional products for a customer, opening a few personal checking accts, coaching my tellers on last month's results towards goal, met with my regional mortgage rep, filled out missing profiles, took another loan application, discovered a nearby branch had been robbed, reviewed robbery procedures with my tellers, closed teller referrals, opened a small CD, and did some more filing.

3:50pm Snuck onto someone else's computer that was "virgin" to my unholy terror of blogging. Read through a couple sites and commented as saw fit.

4:00pm Helped one of my tellers find missing money so that she could balance and go home.

4:15pm Sent one final report.

4:30pm Decided to head home. But only after I did the respectable thing and pretended to listen to one of my tellers talk about going to see Lyndard Skynard that night. (Aren't they dead?)

5:10pm Arrived home. Hugged and kissed Ell. Grabbed my paycheck and headed to the bank to deposit it. (I know, I know, I work at a bank. First rule you learn when managing a bank: don't bank where you work. No one I know in bank management banks with the company they work for.)

5:30pm Watched Family Feud. It's Twins Week!

6:00pm Change out of work clothes, ate some cold pizza, and cleaned up the kitchen.

6:30pm Headed to the church with Ell to set up my room for VBS next week. I am the main Bible story guy this year. (Remind me never to do this again.)

9:00pm Headed to Starbucks for coffee. I know, I don't like coffee. I'm learning to appreciate it. Heck I used to not like beer and we all know where that ended up!

9:15pm Met up with friends Andrew and Lyndsay and decided to hang out at Starbucks for a while.

10:15pm Headed to the movie store. Rented the movie that Chris Farley was making when he died. I think it was called Wild West. I forgot how funny that guy was. He was rip-roaring hilarious. (BTW, we named our first cat Farley after him.)

10:30pm Picked up some snacks at Circle K and headed to Andrew's house. There had been a parade in town earlier that night and the streets were still littered with candy. We ran back and forth grabbing as much as we could find that hadn't been smashed by cars. A police car pulled up and then another, and instructed us to get out of the street. I realized I knew all three of the cops so we gave them some candy. Pretty funny scene actually!

11:30pm Our friend Brad showed up right around the time a huge storm blew in. We raced inside but we still ended up soaking wet.

11:45pm Started the movie.

12:00am The day ended with me holding Ell's hand laughing at the wonderful physical comedy of Chris Farley. All in all, a good day!

Thanks!

I wanted to thank you guys for showing your concern. I thought I'd answer your questions in a post instead of a comment.

Yes, we have a computer at home. A really nice one in fact. When I was selling Insurance and Retirement services I bought the best system Dell had to offer. Due to lightning frying it though, I was able to update to an even nicer system. (I know a lot of you swear by MACs, but for the application I needed at the time a home system was the best thing for me.) We did away with our home internet a couple years ago due to us not using it. Now that Ell may need it for school soon, we may get it again. But for now, work is my only regular access. I am obviously not at work tonight since it's after 10 pm; which answers the question of can I get on by another means. Yes, but only somewhere else. I made a phone call today to NCB's internet security division and they said anything that allows comments and/or feedback is labeled under the "Social/Chat" category and is off limits. Which explains why anything in the blogging genre is against the rules.

As for what I'm going to do............Due to our financial situation at the present time, we probably won't be shopping for the MAC we want anytime soon or getting home internet either. So until Ell's schooling requires that additional monthly expense, I will have to find alternatives. Not all is lost. I may do some writing at work and retype it when I get alternative access. So I will continue to be as active as I was. I again thank all of you for your support. It sounds like I lost a limb or something. :-) I'll be alright. Still quite a bit pissed off, but alright.

They caught up with me!

Well they found out! The work-police have sent their warning. I may be done very soon.

As I explained a few days ago, the firewall here at NCB is a tough one to crack. But I found a loophole and snuck into Blogger. But they found the hole and are in the process of sealing it shut. I wouldn't be as upset as I am if this were something dangerous or lude. Or I would understand if I was on the computer all day doing personal stuff and not getting any work done. But I get here well before my start-time, go through my blogroll, shoot out a comment or two, and then it's off to work. No porn, no games, no vulgarity. They assure me it's for my own safety as well as the company's. If I swore, this would be where the vulgarity they are so worried about would come 'a- spewing!!! Even as I sit here I am getting madder and madder!

So my friends, when they finally come to get me, I will be limited to checking this thing, and yours, only a few times a week when I can sneak onto a computer somewhere. I'll try to make it often, but I can't promise anything. Until then........

Friday Fun

Health Question & Answer Session

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is that true?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.......don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are those? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you can get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So, bottoms up!

Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A. Well if you have one body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A. Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. You're not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q. Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft in the middle?
A. Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q. Is chocolate bad for you?
A. Are you crazy? Hello. Cocoa beans. Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!

Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
A. If it is, explain whales to me.

Q. Is getting in-shape important for a healthy lifestyle?
A. Hey! Round is a shape.

Have a great weekend! I'll talk at ya'll on Monday!

For Clarification

I have been thinking about blogging and how it works for about a year now. Next Friday will be a year to the day when Rob Osborn told me his blog address. Until that point I had never even heard the word Blog. And to be honest, I left that rainy Friday night and forgot all about it. My reason? Rob is waaaaaay smarter than me when it comes to computers, and I figured this blog thingy was just something else I didn't have the time to learn about. (On a funny side note, I was the top student both years I took High School computer. In fact, the program I designed for my senior show was sent to a programming tech school by my teacher. They called me for a formal interview with a possible full ride, but I didn't want to work with computers for the rest of my life. I know, I can see the dollar signs too! Back to my story......) So I put the address in a bowl on the 'fridge where I keep stuff I'll get to later. Eventually I got around to cleaning out the bowl and found a tattered piece of paper with Rob's handwriting on it. The very next day I started my comment-only-blog and the rest is history......

When my family all seemed to start blogs seemingly the same day, I started to think about this format a little more. Everyone seems to have a different reason for how they write, how often they write, what they write about, how they receive comments, how they respond, who else they read, the links they use, etc., etc. And since everyone has those different reasons, they must also have different reactions to how they are perceived by those that visit their site. (I know, genius, right?) One of those reactions I want to be careful to eliminate from the people who visit here is one of offense. And since Kimmy was so excited to see her name show up on my blogroll, it occurred to me I may have, or are now offending people who don't see their names show up. So I would like to clarify the criteria to show up on my blogroll............

First, my computer has to agree with you. Besides the usual Blogger problems, I am fighting everyday with the firewall here at my workplace. Almost weekly it seems, I am blocked from one site or another, or a blogging network, or a webpage I use, and so many other things. And no, it doesn't matter how good you are at computers, you can't get around it. I had someone who knows more about computers than almost anyone else I know, come in and try to beat it. He failed. Miserably. NCB did their homework setting this thing up. So, the first reason I may not add you is simply: I can't.

The next reason is also simple. If you don't write often, I don't read you often. Not b/c I don't want to, I really do want to know what's going on in your life. But if I have to look at the same post for months, I'm only left frustrated not knowing what's going on in your life. So it helps my frustration to just not look. Mike, I love you man, but it's been 2 months! Your wife is showing you up! :-) Please know I will of course check back from time to time. Just in case.

Next is content. If I don't like what you write or what you believe, don't bother looking for your name. I may still read what you have to say, but there are certain agendas I don't want to be associated with if a new person were to stop by and check me out. Sorry if that offends you or it makes me look shallow, but it is still my blog.

Last is privacy. There are some people who value their privacy above their "profile views" number. 'Pokes fun at Kimmy!' If someone finds their blog through a common interest or by accident they are fine with that, but otherwise they would rather remain exclusive. I would never bypass that privacy without permission.

There you have it. Those are my reasons. Everyone I read but that doesn't show up falls into one of those categories. So now that you have that, you should check out my blogroll. It's a pretty unique trip down a sometimes strange road.

this may help someone

I had a great long weekend. Ell and I took the drive to Central Ohio to surprise my folks Saturday night. I love doing that kind of stuff! The shocked look on my Mom's face when she opens the door is always priceless. So much fun!!! A little background may be in order so you understand why she is so shocked. I am the oldest of three kids (four if you count the girl next door who was at our house as much as she was at her own.) All girls. My first sister went to school at Ohio State University where she met her husband. Both of my other sister's also went to school in the Columbus area. My little sister went to work close to my first sister and met her husband on lunch break one day. Shortly thereafter the first grandkid popped out. The year after that, the first sister adopted two boys. Well, the fact that my parents were now Grandparents (and due to my Dad's health,) they sold my boyhood home in NorthEast Ohio and bought a house in Columbus. Grandkids are a huge magnet for attention. Anyway, about 6 months ago, their decision to move paid off again when all three of my sisters had a baby girl within one month. Needless to say, my parents are in heaven.

But their gain was, and is, my loss. My entire family now lives 3 hours away. It tore me up pretty bad when they left. I didn't let it show, but I was devastated. The hardest part was the loss of my Dad. I had always had a very good relationship with him, and it had only gotten stronger as I matured. So when he left, I was mad and hurt. I've since talked to him about it, but it was really hard for me to deal with for a while. I still get sad at times knowing they are just far enough away that I can't see them very often. But that distance comes at an advantage when I want to surprise them. They know it's a long trip for two really busy people, so they never expect it. It's great! So anyway, we got to visit with them for a few days over the weekend. If you check out my sister's blog (Kristen on my links) you can see some pictures. I'm sure my other sister will put some pictures up soon as well, and I'll add a link when she does. They all have such cute kids. (I may be a little biased!)

As I said a few weeks ago, my Dad also started a blog. He has taken a different route than most and has been using his site as an outreach of sorts. Due to the hand life has dealt him, he has been using his experiences as a resource to help others in his same situation. He just finished a series of posts on Friendship. I would never ask anyone to waste their valuable time on stupid stuff, and I don't want to start now. My dad writes and speaks better than I could ever hope to, and what he says is usually very good. This is no exception. He has helped many people over the course of his life, and with this new avenue, he may be able to help you or someone you know. Give him a try, if it's not your cup of tea don't come back. I won't be offended either way. A quick warning, he writes as wordy as he speaks. It's all good, so it's worth your time if you need to hear what he has to say. His blog is on my links under Dwight. Hope this helps you if you need it.